Hogwarts Sex Ed
by DemonessOfPunishment
Summary: The Marauder’s and everyone else in their year are taking a Defense Against the Dark Arts class to learn Sex Ed. as instructed by Dumbledore. Remus and Peter aren’t sure that Sex Ed is such a good idea, especially with Sirius in the room.
1. Part One: Day One

**Title:**  Hogwarts Sex Ed.  
**Rating:** PG-13, for obvious reasons.  
**Warnings:**  Sexual language, slash (implied)  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter.  All characters belong to J.K. Rowling.   
**Notes:** I'm just making up the name of the DADA teacher.  Also, if this goes over well, I might do a second chapter that has Harry and everyone taking Sex ed. ^__^  
**Summary :**  The Marauder's and everyone else in their year are taking a Defense Against the Dark Arts class to learn Sex Ed. as instructed by Dumbledore.  Remus and Peter aren't sure that Sex Ed is such a good idea, especially with Sirius in the room.  ¬¬ Takes place during their fifth year.  
  
**Chapter One: The Marauder's take Sex Ed.**  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter walked down the hallway to their Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom.  They didn't need their books, quills, or parchment paper.  According to the professor, they were having a special class, where all they would have to do is listen and participate. Remus and Peter already figured that the day could only end in disaster.  With the way Sirius was, they figured that he was going to find a way to make the class go wrong.  
  
"I wonder what today's class is going to be about?" Peter asked.  
  
"I don't know.  But if we don't need our books, then I'm happy," Sirius said.  
  
"I'll agree to that!" James said with a smile.  
  
"I just hope you two don't do anything stupid," Remus said, glancing at James and Sirius.  
  
"What makes you think we'd do something stupid, Moony?!" Sirius asked, completely serious.  
  
"Hm, let's see, there was the time you let the dung bombs off during Transfiguration. Then there was the time you turned Snape into a slug during potions.  Then, there was the time you poisoned the entire Slytherin team after they beat you and James in Quidditch," Remus listed off the stupid pranks Sirius and James had done.  
  
"Okay, Moony, we get the point," James stated, waving Remus off.  They Marauder's entered the classroom and took their usual seats.  
  
"Hey! Don't blame the slug thing on me! I just turned that slimy git into what he truly is, a slug," Sirius said in the defense.    
  
"Does that mean I can turn you into a dog, Black?" Severus Snape asked from behind Sirius.  
  
"No, Snape, it does not mean you can turn me into a dog, because I am nothing like a dog, you worm," Sirius turned and faced Snape.  "You really should get all the slug goo from your hair."  
  
"It is all out of my hair, Black." Snape stated.  When the professor entered the room, Snape went and took his seat with the rest of the Slytherins.    
  
"Welcome class," Said Professor Patterson. "Today, we're doing something different.  Today, instead of learning ways to defend ourselves against the dark arts, we are going to learn a muggle course called Sex Ed," He stated.  
  
"Yes!" James and Sirius cheered.  Remus and Peter tried to hide their faces, pretending to not know the two boys next to them.  Some of the class cheered, while some of them groaned.  Being in their fifth year, some of the students had long since know what sex was, and some of even had it.    
  
"Now, I know some of you already know about sex and what happens, but teachers are being told by Dumbledore to teach this to their class," Patterson explained.  
  
"So, this means, that we'll be allowed to use terms that we normally would get in trouble for using?" Sirius asked gleefully.   
  
"Yes, Sirius," Patterson answered.  
  
"So, we can say penis, and vagina, and there's nothing you can do about it?" James piped up.  A few people in the classroom sniggered.  
  
"Yes, James," Patterson deadpanned.   
  
"Brilliant!" Both boys shouted.  
  
Professor Patterson was about to begin, but Peter raised his hand.  "Professor Patterson, do we have to be here for this?" Peter asked.  
  
"Yes, Peter, you do have to be here for this," The professor answered.  
  
Groaning, Remus and Peter banged their heads against the wood table. "What? Are two Gryffindor's scared to take Sex ed.?" Lucius Malfoy questioned.  
  
Remus turned in his chair, staring at Lucius. "With James and Sirius in the room, you should be scared." He growled, then turned back around.    
  
"Well, without anymore interruptions, everyone is to take one of these pamphlets, and is too follow along," Patterson said, giving a pile of papers to a blonde haired girl who sat in the front row.  She took one, and passed it to the person next to her.  "Now, once everyone has one, you may look through it and laugh at the pictures and terms, because once I start, if I hear any laughing, giggling, or sniggering, I will deduct five points each time."    
  
It took a few minutes before everyone had one of the little booklets.  Once Sirius had his, he was already looking through it.  James had done the same.  Remus took the pile, took a booklet, and passed it to Peter.  Peter took one and passed it on.  Both boys stared at the booklet, fearing that if they got too close, it would bit them.    
  
Laughing loudly, Sirius leaned over to Remus, "Hey Moony, do you have testis?" He asked, still laughing.  
  
Remus' eyes widened and he blushed furiously. "Sirius!"  He glared at Sirius, who was leaning against James, both of them laughing like no tomorrow.  Remus buried his head in his arm.  "Wormtail, I don't think we'll make it through this."  
  
"Somehow, I think you're right," Peter agreed.  
  
After the class had calmed down from their laughing, Professor Patterson began the class.  "Okay, now if you'll turn to the first page, we will go over the male reproductive organs." He waited a few seconds for everyone to get back to the first page.  Reluctantly, Peter and Remus opened the pamphlet.  "Now, the external reproductive organ is the penis..." Patterson barely had the word from his mouth before the entire class, sans Remus and Peter, had broken into laughter.  
  
"Okay, I can see why the girl would be laughing, but why are the guys?" Peter questioned.  "I mean, I'm sure they've gone through puberty, and have pulled a Sirius once or twice during the night."  Peter was referring to Sirius' habit of masturbating when everyone was asleep.  
  
"They may have gone through puberty, but that doesn't do anything for maturity levels," Remus stated.  Everyone listened as Patterson finished his explanation of the male reproductive organs, then the female reproductive organs. ((A/N: I really don't feel like listing everything, and I'm sure most of the people out there have gone through Sex Ed. themselves.))    
  
It had taken Professor Patterson fifteen minutes to explain ever organ and what it did.  After the third laughing break, he truly did start deducting points, so everyone held in their laughter.  Every once and a while, Remus could hear Sirius making a lewd joke to James, and then both of them going into a sniggering fit.    
  
"Okay, now that we've gotten though—what is it Sirius?" Patterson half glared at Sirius.  
  
"Sir is this the point where you tell us what actually happens during sex?" Sirius asked, trying with all his might not to laugh.  
  
"You're a stupid prat," Remus muttered.  
  
Patterson sighed, "That is what you're supposed to be learning, although I have no doubt you already know what happens during sex," He stated.  Sirius grinned.  "Now, before we get to Mr. Black's favorite part of today, how can tell me how you know when a man is aroused?"  
  
"Easy, they hit on any girl in sight," Answered a Slytherin girl.   
  
"No, not even close," Patterson said. "Anyone else?"  
  
"Ask Black, he'll know," Regulus said from the back of the room.  
  
"Of course I do!" Sirius said with a grin.  "They have a hard-on!"  
  
Patterson's head dropped. "Well, that's one term for it.  Now, does anyone know the technical term for it?"  
  
"A raging hard-on?" Sirius said hopefully. Next to him, Remus was silently banging his head against the table, and Peter was blushing furiously. One the other side of Sirius, James had buried his head into his arm, trying to keep himself from laughing.  
  
"No, Sirius," Patterson muttered.  
  
"A boner?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then what is it called?!" Sirius asked.  
  
"It's called an erection you stupid git!" Remus bellowed.  When everyone in the room stared at him, he blushed and buried his head into his arms, resting them on the table.   
  
"Wow, Remmie, I didn't think you had it in you," James commented.  
  
"Mr. Lupin—"  
  
"May I please be excused Professor?!" Remus asked before Professor Patterson could finish.  
  
"Go ahead, Remus," The professor said with a sigh.  Remus stood, grabbed his bag, and left the room, the Slytherins sniggering as he left.  "Now, since Mr. Lupin has been so informative, who can tell me what causes an erection in a guy?"  
  
"A really hot girl!" James stated.  
  
"Or guy..." Sirius muttered under his breath.  
  
"Very good James," Patterson said, not hearing Sirius.  The professor looked at the clock on the wall.  "Well, that's all there is for today.  We'll pick it up here again tomorrow.  Class dismissed."  
  
James, Sirius, and Peter left the room.  Sirius and James were still laughing about what happened during the class.  "Oh man, did you see the girls faces when Professor Patterson was explaining the organs?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Yeah, not like I could tell them apart though," James stated.  "They all looked like cherries!" He said, laughing again.  
  
"Hey Black!" Sirius turned around, coming face to face with Snape.  "Tell your friend Remus I enjoyed his show today," He said with a sneer.  
  
"Well, I'm sure he's glad you did.  Because now, you at least know about something you'll never have," Sirius said with a grin, and walked away, leaving a fuming Snape.  The three Marauder's headed back to the Gryffindor tower.    
  
"Remus, you in here?" Peter asked when they entered the boys' dormitory.    
  
"I'm over here," Remus muttered from his bed, the curtains drawn shut.    
  
"You okay, Remus?" James asked, walking into the room.    
  
"Yeah, fine," Remus mumbled.  
  
"Why did you leave so quickly?" Sirius asked.  
  
Remus opened the curtains, and stared at Sirius.  "What do you think?  You rattled off different names to say a guy is aroused, and yet you didn't know the technical term for it, and it was your massive stupidity that made me shout it for the whole classroom to hear."  
  
"Aww, I'm sorry Moony," Sirius said, sitting down next to him.  
  
"Don't worry about it Padfoot.  I just had to get out of that room," Remus stated.  
  
"We understand," Peter said. "Now, lets go, it's time for lunch."  
  
"That's something I'd expect from Sirius," James stated. Laughing, Remus and Sirius got off the bed.  Together, the four Marauder's headed out of the dorm for lunch.  


	2. Part One: Day Two

**Title:** Hogwarts Sex Ed.  
**Rating:** PG-13, for obvious reasons.  
**Warnings:** Sexual language, slash (in later chapters)  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling.  
**Notes:**  Okay, forget this chapter about Harry's year learning Sex Ed.  This will be a two part story.  This is still part one.  There will be a part two where Harry and his year learn Sex ed., but that will come later.  
  
**Thanks to the Reviewers  
QueenBattousai:**  lol I don't know about it being the funniest.  I've read some things funnier then my stuff.    
**Chelle:**  He is a damn horny mutt.   And Remus' outburst just stems from Sirius' massive stupidity.  ^__^ And a little sexual tension.   
**T-MOD:** -____-;; Sweetie, you're psycho.   
**Holly:** I am! I am!  
**Ami-gryffindor89:**  Thanks!  Hope you like this chapter too!  
**LadyDragonWolfKnight:**  I wasn't really going for the cute factor, but thanks!  
**LiTTLe-bLaCk-sTaR:**  That sounds like a lot of guys...and a few girls I know... *eyes Delle*  
**Indiangurl:**  lol That's how I felt when I was writing it.  I was laughing when some of it came to mind, my parents told me to lay off the soda.  
**Damson, of the Rhee:**  Yay, here it is!  
**Alexis:** I don't know what tears they used, but who cares.  Back when the Marauder's were going to school, everyone in the world was either having sex with someone new every night, or on drugs.

**Lila Bloom-Felton:**  I'll get to one of Harry and everyone later.  I got more ideas for the Marauder's and decided to go with it. ^____^  
  
**The Marauder's take Sex Ed.: Chapter Two**  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  


"Okay, Sirius, today in class, you are not allowed to say a word," Remus Lupin stated.   
  
"But, Remmie! What if he asks a question and I know the answer?" Sirius questioned.  
  
"I don't care, you won't answer it," Remus told him.  
  
"But, what if he asks me specifically?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Sirius, just give it up, he won't give in," James said.  
  
Sirius glared at him, "Who's side are you on?!"  
  
Peter laughed, "I agree with Remus, Sirius shouldn't be allowed to say anything."  
  
"Shut up, Wormtail," Sirius snapped. "Please, Moony? I promise I'll be good."  
  
Remus thought about it, "I'll tell you what, I'll make you a deal.  If you can go the first half minutes of class, without talking, or laughing, then you can answer any question you like, anyway you like. Deal?"  
  
"Deal!" Sirius grinned. "I'll show you.  I can go without speaking."  
  
"That also means you can't make angry remarks to the Slytherins," Remus said.  
  
"But...but...Remus!!" Sirius whined.  
  
"No buts," Remus said.  "We have a deal, now, if you would like to back out on the deal, then you can't answer any of his questions.  Those are your options," Remus stated, walking into the classroom with Peter.    
  
James put a hand on Sirius' shoulder.  "Suck to be you, man."  
  
"Shut up James..." Sirius mumbled, going into the classroom.  James sniggered, and followed behind him.    
  
Professor Patterson was at his desk, waiting for everyone to enter and take their seats.  When Remus took his seat, he could hear some of the girls in the room talking about his outburst from the class before.  He flushed and hid him face.  "I shouldn't have come today," He muttered.  
  
"Why is that, Remus?" Peter asked.  
  
"Because I can see that deal I made with Sirius blowing up in my face already," Remus said.  
  
"It won't be that bad," Peter said.  
  
"Peter, have you already forgotten what happened yesterday?" Remus asked.  
  
Peter chuckled lightly, "No, I haven't forgotten."  
  
"I really don't want to be here," Remus stated.  
  
"Don't worry Remus.  With that deal you made Sirius, you can't lose.  He can't go five minutes without making a sound, which means that he can't ask or answer any questions," Peter said.  
  
"I know, but what if, by some strange use a magic, he does make it through the five minute, then I'll have to put up with him for the rest of class," Remus groaned. "I should have stayed in bed."  
  
After a few minutes, everyone had sat in their seats, and Professor Patterson got up from his desk chair.  "Well, let's get started right away, shall we," He said.  
  
"Sirius, your five minute's starts now," Remus muttered to his friend.  Sirius nodded, grinning.  
  
"Now, today, were going to talk about STD's," Patterson said.  Sirius looked up at Patterson, and wanted to say something, but didn't.  "Now, I'm sure everyone knows what a STD is, so were just going it get into the different STD's and what they cause."  
  
Peter, Remus, and James leaned back in their chairs, while Sirius leaned on his hand.  Smirking to himself, Remus listened as Patterson began his discussion of STD's.  "Now, like the muggles, magic folk don't have a cure for most of these diseases.  This is why you must use protection.  Now, there are only two ways to prevent getting an STD.  You can either practice abstinence, which I sincerely doubt, or you can use a condom," Patterson explained.  
  
"Please, the only person here who hasn't shagged anyone yet is probably Remus," James muttered.  
  
"Hey, I have a good reason," Remus said.  "I just wouldn't shag the first person who walked into the dorm, unlike two people sitting here."  
  
Sirius growled, but didn't saw anything.  "What was that Sirius?" James asked.  Sirius glared at him, and flipped him the bird.  "No thank you," James said.  
  
Remus chuckled, "So, you think you can go without talking?" Sirius nodded.  
  
Patterson continued on with the lesson until an owl flew in and dropped a letter on his desk before leaving.  After reading the letter, Patterson excused himself from the class, but not before threatening to deduct house points to anyone who was misbehaving when he got back.  Moving, James and Peter sat so they, Remus, and Sirius were in a little circle.    
  
"I guess there's a good thing that there isn't a STD named just for Sirius," Peter teased.  
  
"If there was, it would just be a disease that makes the victim need sex everyday," James teased.  All three boys laughed.  Sirius glared at his friends, and stuck out his tongue.  
  
"Okay guys, enough with teasing Sirius," Remus said, coming to Sirius' rescue. "And you're wrong James; the victim would just have to masturbate everyday."  He corrected with a grin, earning a glare from Sirius.  
  
"So, when's the next Hogsmead weekend?" Peter asked.  
  
"In two weeks," James answered, "Which is good. I'm running low on dung bombs."  Smirking, James leaned over to Peter and whispered something into his year.  Nodding, Peter leaned over and whispered the same thing into Remus' year.  
  
Blinking, Remus mock-scowled at his friends. "That's so cruel," He stated. "How could you even think have having a party without Sirius?"  Sirius' eyes widened and he made frantic hand movements.  "And you wanted to make it an orgy too! For shame..." Sirius' movements became more frantic.    
  
"I know! But wouldn't you love to be in an orgy?" James questioned.  Sirius glared at James and Remus.   
  
"Only if the right people are there," Remus stated.  
  
"Like who?" Peter questioned.  
  
Remus shrugged. "I don't know.  I've never really thought about it."  
  
"Who could you not have thought about it?" James asked.  
  
"There are tons of cute girls here!" James said.  When he saw the look Remus was giving him, he added, "And guys... I'm sure."  
  
"I'm glad you're always thinking of me," Remus said.  
  
"Always!" James replied with a grin.  
  
"Stupid prat," Remus muttered.  
  
"Although, if we did have an orgy, we'd have to keep Sirius locked up in closet for a while so we could at least get some," Peter said.  
  
"Oh man, could you imagine what some of the girls would show up in?" James questioned.  
  
"Lace, satin..." James trailed off, imagining what each girl would show up in.    
  
"James, you're drooling," Peter stated.  James didn't respond.  
  
"He's a lost cause," Remus said.  Sighing, Remus turned to Sirius, who was banging his head against the table, no doubt trying to lose some mental pictures his got from James' descriptions.  "Sirius, you can talk now," Remus said reluctantly.     
  
"Yes!! God shall set you free!" Sirius cheered.  Remus smashed his head against the table.  Sirius grinned.  "So, when's Patterson getting back?"  
  
"Hopefully never," Remus muttered.    
  
Remus couldn't be so lucky though.  Minutes after he allowed Sirius to talk, Professor Patterson walked back into the class room.  "Sorry about that.  There was a boggart in the kitchen and the house elves wouldn't go in until it was gone," He explained.  He wet back up to the front of the classroom.  "Now, where were we?" He asked to no one in particular.    
  
"You were talking about herpes," Sirius answered.   
  
Patterson stared at him.  "Black, you haven't said a word the entire time, why are you speaking now?"  
  
"I'm allowed to now," Sirius said.  "Remus said that if I didn't speak for the first half of the class that I could ask or answer _any_ question."  
  
Patterson blinked and turned to Remus.  "Mr. Lupin, what were you thinking?"  
  
Remus sighed.  "That was only half of the deal.  The other half was that if he couldn't, he wasn't allowed to ask or answer any question.  However, I didn't think he could go the first half of the class without talking."  
  
"You think so little of me Remus..." Sirius said.    
  
"Yes, Padfoot, I do," Remus muttered.  
  
"Well, if Black is going to be speaking, then we won't be having a repeat of yesterday," Patterson said, glancing Remus and Sirius.  Remus blushed, and Sirius grinned.    
  
Patterson went back into his explanations.  Remus buried his head in his arms.  He could hear Sirius making commented to James, and them sniggering.  He rolled his eyes, hoping for the end of the class to finally end.    
  
"Wait a minute!" Sirius interrupted. "You mean to tell me, that if we have sex with the wrong person, we could end up with bumps on our crotch?"  
  
Patterson sighed.  "Yes, Sirius, that's what I'm saying."  
  
"But like, if were looking at the person naked, wouldn't we see the little bumps?" Sirius questioned.  
  
"If they were having on outbreak, then yes.  They don't always have little bumps," Patterson explained.  
  
Sirius was about to say something else, but Remus covered his mouth.  "Professor, I believe it's time to go," Remus said.   
  
Patterson looked at the clock and nodded.  "Class dismissed." 


	3. Part One: Day Three

**Title:** Hogwarts Sex Ed.  
**Rating:** PG-13, for obvious reasons.  
**Warnings:** Sexual language, slash   
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter. All characters belong to J.K. Rowling.  
**Notes:** Sorry this has taken so long to update!!! I went through this phase where everything died, including this, and I'm just now getting back to it.  I promise this won't take so long to update next time.    
  
**Thanks to the Reviewers  
Holly:**  Yeah, that'll be on chapter six, which is in three more chapters.  I decided that each Sex Ed. session will last for five days for each part.  
**Yokokaru-chan****:**  Yeah, they sound like a few friends of mine too....which is kinda sad....because I think everyone has friends like that.    
**LadyDragonWolfKnight****:**  I knew you reviewed my Gundam Wing fics, but I didn't know you read this one too.    
**rita-booke2day:**  I was laughing while writing it.  My parents were giving me these strange looks.  
**Ami-ImaTomLOVER:**  Thanks for the favorite!  
**Indiangurl****:**  S'ok, my parents think I'm nuts, too.  I'm going to get to your suggestions, but I didn't want to do that too quickly and I wasn't really in to mood to write that all out.  
**Cat Youkai:** Stares Don't even think that...  
**Iruka-Yuywell****:**  Of course! Five chapters for each part!  
**Commander Sun:**  What makes you think they won't get it on?  
**Lila Bloom-Felton:**  I'm working on this again and there will be a part for Harry and everyone.  
**Saltwater:**  Are you okay? Don't hurt yourself.  
**DarkStar280:**  I live to bring on the weird humor.  
  
**The Marauder's take Sex Ed.: Chapter Three**  
  
Remus sat at his desk in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, waiting for the inevitable to happen.  He couldn't get out of the class, no matter what he said.  Within two days, Sirius managed to make him shout about a male body part, and managed to make him wish that they had never met...and it was only Wednesday.    
  
He looked over as Peter sat down next to him and rested his head on the table.  Neither one of them were looking forward to the third day of Sexual Education.  Sirius had already told them that morning that h had thought up a whole list of questions to ask.  Remus tried to fake being sick to get out of it, but Madam Pomfrey had declared that he was well enough for classes.  
  
There was nothing either boy would like more then to be back at their dorms where they were safe from whatever Sirius was planning.  It could not be good since he was not allowed to do much the day before (thanks to his bet with Remus).  They heard him and James plotting and decided to stay out of it.  
  
"Moony, do you think Pomfrey would know if we hexed each other in order to get out of class?" Peter inquired hopefully.   
  
Remus sighed.  "I don't know, Pete.  I'm sure she would."  
  
Peter sighed as well.  "Why did Dumbledore decide to hold this class?  This is a muggle class, not a wizard's class."  
  
"Peter, you _are _assuming that I understand the reasoning behind Dumbledore's logic," Remus muttered, shaking his head.  
  
"Hey, Moony! Wormtail!" Sirius called happily, sitting down next to them.  "How are you both doing on this lovely day?"  
  
Remus turned to him, eyes narrowed.  "What are you planning?" he demanded.    
  
Sirius held a hand to his chest where his heart is.  "Moony! You wound me!  What do you automatically assume that I'm up to no good?"   
  
Remus blinked and grabbed the collar of Sirius' robes, pulling him in close.  "It was _your_ idea to have the code for the map be 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good'," he whispered softly.    
  
Sirius grinned.  "I know! But that doesn't mean I'm always up to no good!"  
  
"Yes, it does," Peter stated as Remus shoved Sirius away.  James made it into class in time so he did not end up with a detention.   
  
Professor Patterson sat in the front of the class, dreading it before it began.  He could see Sirius in the middle of the room and was tempted to leave again.  Sighing, he stepped up to the front of the room, looking to make sure everyone was there before he started the lecture.  
  
"Alright, settle down," he called, pulling up a stool and sitting on it.  "Now, today...well...this is kind of hard to say and comprehend why we need to discuss this, but today we're going to talk about condom use and birth control."  Remus' head instantly met the desk.  "Mr. Lupin, is there a problem?"  
  
"Oh no, not at all professor....just that this class will be the death of me," Remus muttered.  
  
Patterson sighed.  "I'm sure you'll survive this class."  
  
"Not with Sirius in it!" Remus countered.  
  
"What makes you think I'll be the reason you die in this class?!" Sirius questioned.  
  
Remus lifted his head and stared at Sirius.  "Do you _really_ need a recap of the last two days?!"  
  
Sirius grinned, shaking his head.  "No, unless you really want to," he said, earning a smack in the arm from Remus.  
  
Patterson shook his head.  "Alright, let's begin.  Who can tell me how birth control pills work?"  No one raised his or her hands.  "Has anyone read the pamphlet?"  There was a series of shaking heads.  "So, you mean to tell me, that you just looked at the pictures?"  
  
"I didn't even open the thing..." Remus and Peter said at once.  
  
Patterson shook his head.  "Okay, the way a birth control pill works is very simple.  The hormones in the pill trick a women's body into thinking its carrying a child, therefore it doesn't release any ovules, thereby preventing her from getting pregnant.  Then, once she stops taking them (after 21 days), she has her menstrual cycle like normal."  
  
One of the Gryffindor girls raised her hand into the air.  "Professor, why is it that only the girls have something like this?  Why can't the guys?"  
  
Patterson sighed.  "They haven't made one for the guys yet."  
  
"Well _that's_ unfair," she muttered.  
  
Patterson twitched slightly, which is when Sirius decided to raise his hand.  "What is it, Mr. Black?"  
  
"What happens if she misses one day taking the pill, but takes it the next day?" Sirius asked.  
  
Blinking, Professor Patterson looked over at Sirius, as did Remus.  "Are you feeling okay?" Patterson asked.  
  
"Yes, why?" Sirius countered, swiping at Remus' hand as the other boy went to feel his forehead.  
  
Peter stared wide-eyed at Sirius.  "Sirius, you just asked a _serious_ question!"  
  
"I think hell froze over..." James commented.  
  
Patterson shook his head, getting over the shock.  "Well, if she misses a day then takes it the next, she would increase her chances of getting pregnant."  
  
"Oh! So that's when I should go after her!" Sirius joked.  Glaring, Remus smacked Sirius in the head with his potions book.  "Ow!  What the bloody hell was that for?!"  
  
"You are not to impregnate any girls!" Remus stated.  "One Sirius in this world is enough!"  
  
Sirius pouted.  "But, Remmie!  Wouldn't you have more fun with two of me!?"  
  
"No!" Seven different people shouted at once.  
  
Blinking, Sirius looked around at everyone who had shouted.  "Who asked for a Slytherin's input?" he demanded.  
  
"No one," Snape countered.  
  
"Doesn't mean you aren't going to get it," Regulus added.  
  
"Besides, _one_ Sirius Black is enough for anyone!" Lucius Malfoy stated.  
  
"Agreed," Remus muttered to himself.  
  
"May I continue?" Patterson interrupted.  
  
"Go ahead, Professor," Peter said before anyone else could answer.  
  
Patterson nodded.  "Now, who can tell me the proper use of a condom?"  
  
"Making balloon animals?" Sirius suggested.   
  
"Mr. Black, if that's what you really do with a box of condom, I suggest you seek professional help," Patterson stated.  
  
"Yes sir!" Sirius saluted him.  
  
Professor Patterson twitched again.  "Now, allow me to rephrase my pervious question.  What is the proper way to use a condom?"  
  
"For protection, duh!" Sirius said as if it was obvious.  "Any git with half a brain would know that."  
  
"Sirius, I'm this close to smacking you again!" Remus muttered, holding his thumb and index finger together.    
  
Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Patterson looked out into the class.  "Can anyone besides Mr. Black tell me the right way to put on a condom?"  
  
"Oh! I know that one!" Sirius said, raising his head.  
  
"I'm sure you do, Mr. Black," Patterson grumbled.  
  
Sirius grinned, assuming he was giving permission to proceed.  "Well, first you take it out of the package and unroll it.  Then you do like with balloons and stretch it out—"  
  
"No you don't!" Patterson said, interrupting him.  
  
"Yes you do!" Sirius argued.  
  
"No! If you do that then you increase your risk of breaking the condom and getting the girl pregnant!" Patterson exclaimed.  
  
Sirius paled.  "What?!"  
  
Remus turned to Sirius, looking ready to strangle him.  "How many times have you done that?!"  
  
"A lot!" Sirius stated.  
  
"You mean you could have a kid running around!" Regulus shouted at his brother.  
  
"Oh, who asked you!?" Sirius snapped.  
  
Remus grabbed the collar of Sirius' robes and pulled him in close.  "You and I are going to have a VERY serious talk," he growled dangerously.  
  
"Pun intended?" Sirius asked hopefully.  
  
"No." Remus answered, making Sirius gulp.  
  
Patterson sighed.  "Okay, I don't think anyone can handle this anymore, so class is dismissed."


End file.
